So, unless you are living under a rock, you’re aware of the fact that we are smack dab in the middle of the holiday season. And during this time of endless commitments, todo lists, family obligations, and general hullabaloo, I’ve been thinking a lot about the feeling of resentment. I think it’s because during this time of year we’re all likely encountering problematic family dynamics or trying to navigate the many competing expectations/needs/wants that our friends and family have around this time of year. It’s like a gauntlet to navigate every November and December, and I. AM. DONE. So, gather ‘round everyone, and let’s talk about how to deal with this ish.

What is resentment?

Here’s what I’ve discovered (and I tell my clients). Resentment is that simmering feeling of anger you get inside when someone hasn’t fulfilled the expectations (either stated or not) that you have of them. For me, the internal signs of resentment sound like this: “I killed myself to make this dinner for so-and-so, and so-and-so didn’t even offer to clean up,” or, “I work so hard to be nice to these family members, to acknowledge their important dates and significant events, and they don’t even bother to include me in such-and-such parts of their lives.”

Often we blame our feeling of resentment on the other person (or people) who haven’t done the things that we feel that we are owed. But here’s the other thing I tell my clients (and myself) about resentment:

Resentment is a sign that we have either ignored our own boundaries, or that we need to act ASAP in order to protect and care for ourselves. Ultimately, you are the only person who can deal with your resentment.

What Causes Resentment?

Here’s what I’ve found is often going on when I’m feeling resentful:

Overfunctioning (for others)

Did I really have to make that elaborate dinner for my guests, or go 30 miles out of my way to meet my friend for her convenience (instead of a more central location for both of us)? Did I really need to spend several hours of my limited time researching the perfect airbnb for my in-laws, or go way out of my budget to buy that perfect gift? Do I really need to keep reaching out to a particular group of people, hoping to get included someday? No. No, I do not. This, ladies and gentlemen, is classic overfunctioning, and it’s a one way ticket to Resentment City.

We overfunction for lots of reasons, but the bottom line is that often resentment is a sign that we’re doing too much.

Unmet expectations

Resentment builds when we expect things from other people, and then are not given what we feel we are owed. All too often this is because we either a) haven’t asked directly for what we want or stated clear expectations of the other, b) we have done these things but the other is unable/unwilling to meet our expectations or c) we didn’t even know we had expectations of the other person until it’s too late. Either way, when unmet, unacknowledged, or silent expectations are present, resentment isn’t too far behind. However, no matter what has contributed to our unmet expectations, we do have the ability to rectify the situation (more on that soon).

Underfunctioning (for myself)

No, this is not a typo. Just as overfunctioning is a huge ingredient in the resentment recipe, underfunctioning is too. However, when it comes to resentment, underfunctioning plays a role because often when we feel resentful, it’s a sign that we are not doing enough to act on our own behalf and take care of our own needs. This often goes hand in hand overfunctioning for others. Did you spend so much of your time and energy getting your home ready for the dinner party you’re having that you have neglected to give yourself time to actually like…shower and groom? Not that I have any personal experience with this example or anything (*cough cough*), but let me just say that the person in this *totally made up scenario* was feeling pretty resentful of both her guests and her spouse by the time the dinner party began. Underfunctioning and overfunctioning FTW.

FML.

Let me share another personal example of how all this fits together. When Havenly (my counseling collective) moved into our first offices, I worked really hard to help my colleagues make their offices look and feel cozy and inviting. However, whenever I’d walk into my own cluttered, unboxed office, I felt growing resentment. I was spending so much time setting up other spaces (overfunctioning), instead of using my energy to also make a beautiful office space for myself (underfunctioning). In addition, I had unacknowledged, silent expectations of my colleagues that they would take the initiative to help me (instead of my having to *GASP* actually ask). Voila! Resentment was born.

How to Get Rid of Resentment

Here’s the reality about getting rid of your resentment: the power to deal with it is entirely within your control. “But Melinda!” you might be thinking, “I’m resentful because other people aren’t being thoughtful or attuned to my needs. The way to stop my resentment is for other people to do better.” I get it. It’s so tempting to blame other people for our resentment. But the truth? In order to get rid of resentment, we need to take responsibility for setting our own boundaries and advocate on our own behalf. It is my responsibility to clearly set my own boundaries and follow through with consequences should those boundaries be disrespected. It is my responsibility to self reflect and then clearly communicate my expectations and needs to others. It is my responsibility to take care of myself.

So, when you start to feel resentment creeping in, take it as a sign that you’re doing the three things I’ve outlined above. Use it as an opportunity to ask yourself these questions these and then do something about it:

Do I really want to do __________?
Do I have the energy and resources to do __________?
How much time/energy am I willing/able to expend on doing ______?
If I do _________ and it goes completely unacknowledged, how will I feel?
Am I expecting something in return if I do _______?
If yes to #5, what am I expecting the other to do/say? Is this expectation realistic? If so, have I clearly communicated this expectation?
How will I stop overfunctioning if my expectations are unable to be met?
Is there something I need to be doing for myself with this energy/time instead?
Am I ignoring my own boundaries? How can I pull back to what feels healthy?
Are others crossing my boundaries? What do I need to do to protect myself?
What do I need to stop or start doing in order to take care of myself right now?

Remember: resentment can be a gift. We can use resentment as an invitation to pause and reflect on our behaviors, boundaries, and expectations of ourselves and of others. We have the agency to step back, reassess, regroup, and then DO SOMETHING to take care of ourselves. The magic is that engaging with your resentment like this will lead to better self care, deeper self-understanding, and more satisfaction in your relationships.

**Hi, I’m Melinda**

I’m a therapist who uses the Enneagram and Brainspotting to help 20 & 30-somethings understand and change unhelpful patterns, love themselves, and navigate all the big transitions and emotions that come with where they are in life.

WHAT MY CLIENTS OFTEN LOOK LIKE:

1) Empaths and “HSPs” who feel deeply and are afraid that something is “wrong” with them or have been told that they are too “sensitive”

2) Helpers or “over-givers” who want healthier relationships with themselves and others

3) Enneagram enthusiasts who want to grow

4) Premarital and young couples wanting to start their marriage off on the right foot

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How To Deal With Resentment