A Manifesto For An Enneagram 2 (and other people pleasers) on Valentine’s Day:
Dear Fellow People Pleasers/Enneagram 2’s,
I know, from personal experience, how hard you work on behalf of others. I know that so much of your time, thought, & energy goes into thinking about others and your relationships with them. I know how that attention on others happens so much, and how that focus on others’ needs has gone on for so long, that you probably aren’t in touch with what you need. Most of all, I know how many of you might misrepresent your needs and desires in an effort to make yourself more palatable for the people you love. How often you might insist that you’re a “low maintenance girlie” when in your heart of hearts you want those around you to make an effort to love you in the ways you need to be loved. I know how difficult it is to a) know that you want/need these things and b) ASK FOR THEM.
This February, I want to give us all permission to take up more space.
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of making myself smaller and my needs/wants more approachable. I’m exhausted from living in the fear that my expressing wants and needs could be judged by my loved ones as my being “too much”. I’m done with pretending. For Valentine’s Day (and for every other day hereafter) I’m going to live into who I really am, and that, my friends, is “High Maintenance”.
Yes ya’ll, I AM that high maintenance bitch (I’m a Taurus, after all). I shudder when I think of all the years I proclaimed that Valentine’s Day was a shallow “commercial holiday” and that I didn't need/want anything. But you know what? I love getting flowers. I love heartfelt words, and romance. I love chocolates and nice dinners. More than anything, I love being attuned to and considered and pampered. I don’t know about you, but for me even admitting that I want these things can feel selfish and scary. I don’t want to be “difficult”. I don’t want to be rejected. In my 2 personality, I'd rather just take the love that others want to give me instead of figuring out the kinds of love I need and advocating on behalf of myself. I’ve also noticed this in my 2 clients. We. Get. Small.
Knowing our hearts and our needs, and then taking up the space to ask/insist on those things is the most important act of self love we can do. Maybe you can just begin by spending the first two minutes of your day breathing into your heart, doing your best to notice and attune to your own feelings. Maybe buy yourself the best damn flowers and take yourself out to your favorite restaurant (Miley Cyrus style). Maybe take a risk and directly tell your significant other or friends how best to love you right now. Maybe give yourself permission to be messy and human.
May all of us twos give ourselves the permission to be honest with ourselves and take up space this Valentine’s Day.
Can you relate?
Hi, I’m Melinda
I’m a therapist who uses the Enneagram and Brainspotting to help 20 & 30-somethings understand and change unhelpful patterns, love themselves, and navigate all the big transitions and emotions that come with where they are in life.